Capitalist Hugs

Ooooh… only $2.

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Vaguely I wonder what comes with the deluxe hug? Perhaps more square inch mammary gland surface area contact? I might be willing to pay for that. I quite like boobs pushed up against me.

Comparatively I imagine the free hug is like the hug you’re forced to give that creepy relative… while internally reciting the mantra ‘Don’t kiss me on the mouth, don’t kiss me on the mouth’ (while at the same time trying to breathe… through your mouth)

The Deluxe Hug must be… like that all encompassing, grappling, bear hug that takes your to edge of asphyxiation/orgasm? Or maybe there is some form of sanitation that takes place between events. Be sure the hugger is hepatitis free, here’s his certificate. Or maybe they synergize their hug with some kind of added extra. ‘You smell great’.

‘Really? Thanks!’ *feels good for the rest of the day*

I want one.

You think the advertised price includes GST?

 

Texting.

At some point my iPhone decided ‘cool’ should actually be ‘cook’ and now oscillates between hardcore obstinacy and whimsically auto-correcting this word. Which is problematic because ‘cool’ it is my most used affirmation. Which is then often followed by duck. Sometimes all in Caps. Apparently my most used profanity.

Wife: Can you stop and get milk?

Jo: Cook

Jo: DUCK

Wife: I’m assuming this means you’re on it?

Jo: Yes.

Of course some people have surpassed mere mortals and… sub-mortals (i.e. me) and turned this form of communication into something more profound.

Case in point.

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I want to be like Lily’s dad. Only… I don’t think I have the energy or thesaurus like ability (on the fly) to pull this off.

Also I’m hungry now. ‘Joey feels the need to sate the ravenous emptiness in his abdomen with slivers of sauteed hind of swine’.

When actually I mean…

Hmm. Bacon.

…and never the twain shall meet

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It’s not exactly Kipling… but this blog is likely a little low brow for..

Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment seat;
But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!
Fuck ’em up son. Wu for life. 

Wait a second did you just splice ‘Ol Dirty Bastard into Rudyard Kipling ?

I did. And I am not ashamed. Okay, maybe a little ashamed.

Like 1%.

 

Lists…

I have a very good sense of my strengths and weaknesses. Mostly because I have very few strengths and lots of weaknesses (basically everything else). My wife took the day off work yesterday to come help me interview people for a job vacancy at my company.

I am quite bad at interviews.

Jo: ‘So how to you feel about sushi?’

Potential job applicant: ‘Are you kidding? I love sushi!’

Jo: ‘You’re hired!’  *starts dancing*

Whereas my wife is quite scary (I’ve realised). She takes notes and asks these really tough (work related) questions. I’m impressed I remembered to wear shoes.

I try and chime in every now and then to make it seem like I have something valuable to add. But really, I know this is what George W. Bush felt like when he was reading that children’s book and the secret service agent came and whispered in his ear… and he’s sitting there wondering what he should do now… but also thinking about a ham sandwich.

Afterwards we sit at my desk. I color in with my crayons and she tries to help me with some of my nightmarish accounting issues I’ve recently inherited.

She makes me a list of things I need to do. She’s learned by now that if she doesn’t write things down for me… the mission is over before it begins. Thats not a guarantee that I won’t loose the list… or…

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… completely misinterpret whats written on the list. But theres a chance.

Yeah, I have no idea why she married me either.