Mustachianism versus Fundamental Joeyism 

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It depends on who you trust more. A guy with a paedophilic stash standing on a huge pile of money… or an awesome lego dude with a coffee mug and a giant wiener sausage. Personally I know whose lap I would sit on.


In all honesty I didn’t know all that much about Mr. Money Mustache. I mean I knew the basic tenants of the faith… like insane frugality, polygamy and bathing once every full moon. Or is that Mormonism? I always get them confused. But beyond that I thought they were a bunch of forest dwelling boonies that live in houses made from recycled car tires that walk around barefoot and grow their own pot. (sorta like an Ewok)

Turns out they don’t grow any pot. Which personally I thought was quite disappointing. And definitely a flaw in their religious dogma. Seriously, you need take this up with the head hombre.

This week I listened to an interview with Peter Adeney (Mr. MM) First off motherfucker is Canadian hey. heh he. See what I did there. But really, turns out that he’s actually a lot more reasonable than I gave him credit for. I think it might be his disciples that are the problem.

We disagree on some stuff. But really you shouldn’t be following any -ism verbatim. Not even your own. Personally I’ve schismed with my own fundamentalist view points loads of times. Only I couldn’t find a church door to nail them to. Is that too obscure a reference?

Lets start with two that I disagree with.

Mustachian tenant #1 – Move closer to work. ie The East Rand.

Wait, what? I can already see the air I breathe during my work day. Now you want me to endure this on weekends too? There are only two reasons to leave the northern suburbs ‘circle’ in my opinion. One is to go to work. And the other is to dispose of a dead body. Besides  we have Nice, Pablo-eggs-go-bar, Salvation Cafe, Warm & Glad and The Whippet. I’m not sure ‘they’ (the people that side of the N3) have anything even remotely competitive. Its possible that they don’t even believe in breakfast. Its not that I have anything against people from the East Rand… other than they breed a bit too flippantly for my liking and that their eyes are too close together.

I must say though, my new warehouse is a new agey purpose built wonder compared to my old warehouse. Which had bullet holes in the front facade and a melted Zimbabwean in the asphalt outside. I’m assuming he was a Zimbabwean. Sufficed to say when I saw him he was already quite dead. And very melted. This happened during the xenophobic riots a couple of years back. An angry mob caught him sometime during the night. Put a tire round his neck, filled it with petrol and set him on fire. His fat actually melted into the tar. For days crows would risk traffic to try pick bits of him out of the road.




This is me around that time. In my body armor. Blue steel look. Shotgun not pictured. One of my workers had just phoned to say they were burning down shacks in his row and would I mind very much if I could come pick him up. Took a selfie (as one does) to send to my girlfriend at the time.





This is Ronny. Post rescue. With all his worldly possessions stuffed into two bags. They burnt down his shack shortly after we left. He was remarkably stoic about it all, having just lost almost everything. Not sure I would have been. A couple of years later the police would come and and arrest him at my warehouse for having a fake ID. He evaded them for about an hour by running away and then hiding in a cement bag. Turns out he was from Malawi.



Mustachian tenant #2 – Cycle to the grocery store. 

While conceivable, this is also decidedly deadly. And also uphill from my house. (which might be more of deciding factor) Let me use a Terry Pratchett-ism to illustrate my point. In the fictional city of Ankh-Morpork there are very few murders. There are however loads of suicides. Walking in The Shades (the Ankh-Morporkian version of Hillbrow) after dark was considered suicide.

This is basically how I feel about cycling as a form of commuting in South Africa. I’m happy to hit the trails with a mountain bike. But sharing the avenues and byways with…

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Well you get my drift. Its basically suicide. Same goes for scootering. Your face becoming one with the front grill of a Quantum are somewhere between reasonable and highly likely. Fuck that shit

Mustachian tenant #3 – Cars are basically bullshit 

This one we actually agree on. Cars are basically bullshit. And the amount of money I’ve spent on them makes me suck air through my teeth. Fuuuuuuck.


Most recently I had a Jeep. Which for a while really defined me as a human being. ha ha. Or so I thought, but really, no object should ever define you. I had this weird love/hate relationship with my Jeep. Its difficult to explain.

Eventually the sprog-monster came along. Car-seats, babies and Jeeps do not go together. I can’t actually convey to you how unpractical this car is… in terms of everything, except cruising around with the top down and listening to AC/DC at full volume. This is basically a Jeeps only function. Anything else its total crap at. It has the fuel consumption of an Airbus A380 with the aerodynamics of a cinder block, the turning circle of an unimog… with probably the same suspension. Although I did love the meccano aspect of it, ie that you can basically take the whole thing apart with one screw driver. That was pretty cool.

Now I drive a 10 year old Opel Corsa 1.4 with 155,000Km on the clock. And you know what? Thats totally fine. There are days when I miss my Jeep. Like when its raining and Gillooly’s is six feet underwater. And also being able to park basically ANYWHERE was super useful. But really, R450,000 is a lot of money to waste on that sort of experience. Thats like… ten very decent overseas trips to exotic locales and way more memories. I suppose it depends on what you’re into.

Mustachian tenant #4 – Don’t buy anything unless it subtracts from a negative in your life. 

This is actually such a good rule. I think the example was ‘Does my life suck because of the absence of photographic capable drone?’. And the answer is no. Unless you’re Casey Neistat, the answer is always no.

But if something is going to improve your life through its purchase, go for it.

He had some other good points about our weird consumer habits. Like before you buy something, imagine how you would feel about it if it broke? Or if it got stolen or lost. If you can’t afford to easily replace something, you shouldn’t be owning it. Otherwise it ends up owning you.

For a second he seemed truly guru-like in assertions about the world. But then I had to swerve for one of those annoying recycling trolley guys who was free-wheeling it down the hill, and all that good will dissipated. Stupid Mr. Money Mustache. I tend to project my frustrations on the world.

Oh well.

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