Purveyors of domesticated male bovine manure

I hate really dislike twitter. George Orwell got it right. Only he called it Newspeak. To quote Wikipedia…

‘Newspeak is a controlled language, of restricted grammar and limited vocabulary, a linguistic design meant to limit the freedom of thought’.

But that’s another monologue for another time. But sometimes when I’m bored I like to search for people that I like. Which is often a mistake. You know that old chestnut; you should never meet your heroes. Well…You should DEFINITELY never follow your heroes on twitter! Seriously, their mundane, inane thoughts stripped bare, just left there to rot, like some bloated marine mammal. Stop taking selfies and roll it back into the sea already. It’s frightening. And often, a little sad. The ubermensch you admire is just a mensch. Twitter kicks Nietzsche in the groin. Nietzsche grits his teeth and mumbles something about ‘what doesn’t kill you…’. Twitter kicks him again. Nietzsche goes down. And stays down.

Sometimes I do it anyway. Go onto twitter I mean. Even though, by now I should know better. Start with someone you will soon dislike. Then click on tweets and replies and see with whom they’ve been interacting. Then click on those people. And read their bio’s. Bio’s are hilarious. People either take themselves super seriously. Or attempt wit. It rarely works out that way.

The finance/trading twitter community in South Africa is quite, I want to say inbred, but that’s not really totally apt. It’s more like a small island community. Its quite self-congratulatory and everyone seems to know everyone else. I like to single them out because the amount of bullshit they manage to circulate and then recirculate is truly mind numbing. The three biggest dingleberries though have to be the fund managers, the CFA’s and the Company Advisors.

You know way back, when the number of goats you owned translated into your wealth and standing in the community. Not wanting to do the grunt work themselves, they would hire goat herders to graze their goats on the mountainside and chase off carnivores with a pointy stick. Fund managers are basically the modern day equivalent. Remember that next time you’re doing up the zipper on your Ermenegildo Zegna thinking you’re some sort of big deal. You wouldn’t introduce yourself at a party as a goat herder, so don’t tell people you’re a fund manager. Its fucken embarrassing.

The worst has got to be the company advisors though. They’re bouncing around on social media all day because they’ve basically got nothing to do. Except steal oxygen from the rest of us. Their Bios are the best! And the associated websites are hilarious. Who hires these people? They all seem to use the same generic template. And the ‘about us’ section on their websites are just creepy in their similarities. Not that this should surprise me, originality not being their strong suit.

How great would it be if the ‘about us’ section on a Company advisors website had to be truthful… would it read something like this?

We are failed business owners. Our company went spectacularly bust (mostly due to our massive incompetence) and we relocated to Cape Town so our creditors couldn’t find us. Now we are now BUSINESS ADVISORS. We will come in and advise your startup business. We will add zero fucken value. But charge you a great deal of money for opinions that we actually just copied and pasted out of an American business book we downloaded off Piratebay. Sometimes we like to bastardize quotes we heard on a Tony Robbins cassette tape. Unleash the hidden power within your sales team.

Even though we only have two permanent employees one of us is the CEO (always the guy) and the other is the CFO/COO (always the woman). Check out our slightly leaned back, business casual profile pics. Don’t we look like smug assholes?

Our douchebaggery knows no bounds. We LOVE jargon and complicated corporate lingo that is completely meaningless. In fact we’re not even sure what we’re saying half the time. We make up for it though with shiny teeth and graphs. We fucken love graphs. Notice how the arrow always goes up?

We promise to under perform and under deliver. Or was that the other way round? With our cutting edge marketing solutions… our virtual encyclopaedia of made up testimonials from an ethnically diverse (but still completely spurious) customer base (companies you’ve never heard of right?) and our proven cost cutting techniques we will TOTALLY revolutionise your business.

Did you notice our fancy website. Fancy website = quality product. Did you notice our amazing graphics that have absolutely nothing to do with finance. Yup. That’s clouds. And a sunset. And people finishing the New York marathon. We can help you with that. Oh and cashflow. Maybe.

Our crack team (some of whom are actually on crack) have been hand picked from a pool of retrenched employees from dying industries that are NOTHING like yours. Carol for example was a receptionist at a uranium mine before she started with us, she’ll be heading up your debtors financing. Smile like you mean it Carol.

We’re essentially vampires. Soulless empty vessels that prey on good natured but naïve business owners. We’re losers that can’t make it in the real world. You worked hard to get where you are, we’re the ticks on your underbelly hoping to catch a free ride. We don’t know how to make money. Please give us some of yours.

Okay, fire walk in ten people, group hug. GO TEAM!

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